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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

With the Right Olympic Committee, I Could Be an Olympian!

It must be incredibly exciting for children to meet an Olympic gold medalist! Then just as disappointing to learn it was earned playing badminton.

There are far too many Olympic Events. The Original Olympic Games, you know the one where the dudes just ran and ran and ran until they died, I mean, that was awesome!

If they can shrink down tennis into table tennis and make it into an Olympic sport, then why not shrink down soccer and make fooseball an Olympic sport? I'd be the fattest Olympian in history, that's why.

I say they put a tuna in the pool next to Michael Phelps. You're fast for a human, but you suck as a fish.

Really, what do the animals think of the Olympics? I mean, we're smart and stuff, but compared to the animals, our skills are quite pathetic.

Speaking of animals, how did Equestrians become Olympic athletes? I propose a rule: If any creature is more tired than you are immediately after you win your gold medal, it shouldn't count. Just look at the name: Equestrian means one who rides a horse. RIDES a horse. Am I the only one offended by this? This is one step up from one who rides in their friend's car.

The horse that just won you that Gold medal, what does he get? An extra alfalfa pellet? Nice.

Handball is now an Olympic sport; do they allow rainbows, typewriters, and watermelons? If so, I now have two chances to win an event, assuming riding-in-your-friend's-car is slated for 2016.

Beach Volleyball. Really? If there was ever a valid slippery slope argument, it should begin with "If we allow Beach Volleyball then we'll have to allow..."  I know it's been around awhile, so we're used to it being an actual sport, but please...we're changing the ground, taking away their clothes, and now it's totally different. No, no,'s not volleyball, it's Beach Volleyball. Totally different. There's saaaaand.

Why are there so many events that are the same, with just one tiny change? Take swimming, for example, 50 meter breast stroke and 50 meter butterfly stroke. The Swimming Lobbyists really pulled one over the Committee's eyes 50 years ago, and never looked back. No, see, he's only got his head out of the water 6 inches, not 4.5 inches. We need another medal for this! In comparison, Running Lobbyists are really quite bad.  If runners hired the Swimming Lobbyists, we'd have all types of running. The Single Shoe Marathon, The Tiptoe Sprint, Backwards Running Using a Mirror. Running on Your Hands!

The more Olympics coverage I see, the more I realize, I'm just like these guys. They're super good at one thing, just like me. The only difference is, the Olympic Committee hasn't made Making-Songs-from-Fart-Noises-with-Your-Hands an Olympic event yet. But when they do, I will proudly wear that gold! At least until the kids start asking about it...