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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Apple:10 New iPads to Help Ignore Your Friends!

Los Gatos, CA - On Thursday, just in time for the holidays, Apple, Inc. announced 10 different sized iPads of varying costs.

The iPad Enormous is the largest, coming in at just over 26 pounds with a 39" screen. "We realize the Enormous will only be suitable for a select few individuals, but Apple wants to put an iPad in everyone's hands, not just those who wear average-sized gloves," said Apple spokesman Todd Sellers.

When pressed that the Enormous is too big for any humans, Sellers replied, "Then people can use it as a table, I guess." At $3,600, it's the most expensive Apple product with almost no viable use.

The smallest announced Thursday was the iPad Invisible. "It's so small, we can't even see it!" Sellers gleefully tweeted. At a cost of only $4.95, it's the cheapest product Apple has ever put on the market. Customer Amy Miller exclaimed, "It kinda feels like you're walking out of the store with just an empty bag! I love it!"

One device, the iPad Fone is exactly the same size as the iPhone 5. The differences between the iPhone 5 and the iPad Fone are "legion" according to Chief Technology Coordinator, Victor Schleman. "In addition to not having any telephonic functioning, it also has no 3G capability, so completely ignoring your friends in public is much more difficult than with the iPhone 5. It makes a perfect gift for men with girlfriends who have a need to be 'talked to.'" When asked about the major differences between the iPad Fone and iPod Touch, Schleman pretended to get a call on his iPad Fone, and blew us off.

So no matter how large or small your budget or your fingers, there's something available for everyone on your list with whom you desire an ever-deteriorating relationship.